When local reality television refugee Donna Heron went out to replant her ailing azaleas in a quiet corner of Rosary Road, she got a whole lot more than she haggled for. Heron, 37, whose third cousin once sat on Zara Phillips, could barely believe it.

"I was then digging away, round the plants and that, when the whole garden just give way and there's this jet of black liquid spewing all over me hyacinths. I were right shocked." She scratches her hastily acquired ten-gallon hat and gives us a wink, the little minx. "That’s handy though, in't it?"

Excitingly, the torrential upsurge of black gold shows no sign of slowing. According to local geological watchdog ROCKSOFF, oil is "gushing faster than a daytime television chat show host after eight grams of prime Guatemalan nose candy." Local villagers are queuing up to steal what they can with a half-arsed collection of buckets, jerry cans, and, in one unfortunate case of optimism-gone-bonkers, a half-empty septic tank. The hill beneath Rosary Road has been estimated as being 87% oil and, what's more, visibly wobbling.

Various pedestrians have described the sensation of traversing the bursting hill as "like meandering quaintly through trifle" [Julian Bagshaw, Newmarket Road] or "banging a really fat chick" [Darren Watts, Mile Cross]. Meanwhile, grizzled prospectors have climbed down from Ringland Hills and are busily digging up the St. Leonard’s Road. "That's like a lottery scratchcard," one shameless hobo said. "Only that don’t cost a quid, do it."

But there's trouble in them there hills. Reports reaching nr1 suggests the White House is, suddenly, "extremely concerned" at alleged human rights abuses within Thorpe Hamlet First School. CIA agents, masquerading as Year Five students, allege significant human rights abuses during the recent nativity play, including the pistol-whipping of little donkeys on dusty roads. Sources have also expressed concern about the contents of some of the barrels stored in the school cafeteria. Though marked 'vegetable oil,' it has been suggested the contents could be far more sinister. It would appear Thorpe Hamlet is about to, as one news source put it, "die nasty."

Already the droning engines of B52s, chock-full of democracy-enhancing death balloons, can be heard in the distance. For everyone's benefit, nr1 suggests staying indoors for the foreseeable future until freedom and democracy have been forced back upon this rogue state in the interests of long-term global stability.