 They've been going out in Norwich for six months now, and Kelly Poppins thinks that Darren might be the one: he's smart, funny, good looking in a nineteen eighty-seven kind of way, and has a glamorous job as one of Dion Dublin’s tax assistants. But before this sounds less like news and more like one of those chick-lit formula novels, there's one slight ladder in the tights of love. In all the time they've been going out, Kelly has been unable to reach Orgasmic even once.
nr1 drove out to meet Kelly at the Redwings Horse Sanctuary, where she works as a fluffer, just to hear her tale of woe. "I right like Darren," she said, "he's a right nice lad and everything, but this whole business is starting to play on my mind a bit. We start off and we're having a lovely time and that, and we're moving nearer and nearer, and we get as far as the Slug and Lettuce but then he puts his pint down and tells me he loves me. I go to the toilet and when I come back he's asleep on one of their pretentious sofas. I'm sitting there thinking cor, bloody hell Darren, another two minutes and we'd have reached Orgasmic together."
But, in the context of a loving, caring relationship, does it really matter? Kelly looks confused.
"Yeah. No. Yeah. No. I mean - well, everyone else seems to going there. My mate Cheryl reckons she went there three times in one night with her boyfriend - and they had cocktails and all. It's just - well - I suppose I want to know what it's like. Some of the girls I know reckon it's not all that anyway, but I'd like to find out for myself, do you know what I mean? It's not just Matt, either, this happened with my other boyfriends too. It might be my fault or something, I don't know. All I know is, I'm twenty-eight years old and no man's ever managed to get me all the way to Orgasmic."
And what of Darren? Is he aware that this is an issue? "Oh yeah, he has tried to make things better. He drinks a bit more slowly now, which might help though it hasn’t yet. Also, he said maybe we should try some new things, and maybe he could take me up Ha Ha's for a change. Not being funny or nothing, but I told him to fuck right off."
Kelly looks at the floor and brushes the hair from her face. Lordy me, there's no doubt she's a mighty fine looking woman. Emboldened by two pints of Kronenbourg and the unlikely notion that somehow she might be persuaded to give it another go, nr1 offers her our limited assistance in this matter, at which point she stabs what remains of her Marlboro Light out in our eye and sends us tumbling out screaming into the long, dark night.
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