 Anglia Square to be immortalised in cardboard and dice, more bad news for those of us who rely on the city's public transport, and a local woman reveals her plans to terminate a blossoming relationship with a man who 'thinks he's a bit special'...
Starring Role For Anglia Square
Just when you thought everyone's once-loved vintage boardgame couldn't possibly have any more life flogged out of it, the perennial Christmas family argument-causer is set to get another facelift next week with the announcement of a special 'Anglia Square Memorial' edition, a bold attempt to capture the sights, sounds and smells of everyone's best-loved urban-regeneration-grant-application in the making. Proposals leaked to nr1 show a radical departure from the standard board game, including:
- Rebranding Chance and Community Chest as 'No Chance' and 'Community Service'
- A 'significantly higher number' of Go to Jail squares
- Amendment of amount collected when you pass Go to '£67.50 per fortnight if you can demonstrate a willingness to find employment'
- Replacing 'Super Tax' with 'CCJ default'
- Making the 'car' counter a lowered, dual-exhaust Vauxhall Astra, the 'boat' counter a teenager wheeling a double pushchair, and making the 'dog' counter a pit bull called either Bruno, Tyson or Shane.
Replacing the four train stations with four vandalised bus stops jam-packed with glue-sniffing pikey kids and terrified grandmas
 Local square marketing director Sergei Stallone believes this will be a fitting monument to the best shopping centre just inside the ring road on the North side of Norwich. "Anglia Square has long suffered from being Norwich's poor relation. For example, what about the time when St. Stephens got Poundland, and we got the 99p shop? That sums it all up, if you ask me."
According to Stallone, this board game will be something to treasure. "It will help people remember the happy days, the times when you could walk through the multi-storey, breathing through your nose as you stepped carefully around the passed-out winos, have a quick and cheap bit of intimacy with the local working girls, then watch whatever was on at the Odeon, because even though they only had one screen and only showed the films ABC had finished with, it was better than being at home waiting for your stepdad to stagger home drunk and beat you with his belt."
Colman Road Woman ‘Not Really Up For Second Date’
Self employed animal beautician Tracey Leamington, 23, woke up this morning and felt no sense of excitement whatsoever at the prospect of tonight's second date with gym instructor Darren O'Hulahan, 31.  Leamington, 23, shared an evening in O'Hulahan's company last weekend after he wowed her in a recent aerobics class with his manly body and his wicked dress sense. The two met for drinks at Lloyds, Riverside, before moving on to the more intimate and romantic atmosphere of Nando's. Leamington declined O'Hulahan's request to move on to Optic, but agreed to a second date next week. She's been regretting her decision ever since. "Don't get me wrong," Leamington said, "that's not like he's not nice or nothing. I just think we're coming from different places, and that, and I don't think a relationship's what I want right now. It's not him, it's me, you know? I think we could be friends, but I'm just not in the right place for a relationship right now."  Despite also being on the receiving end of two flirty mid-week text messages from O'Hulahan, Leamington's set to stand firm. "Also," she says, "I had a bit to drink on account of being nervous and that, so I might not have this right, but I think he might have been a bit of a cock." Her version of events is backed up by eye-witness Stanley Matthews, Lloyds head barman. "Nothing against the bloke, I mean, no offense or nothing," Matthews said, "but he did have a bit of the big 'I am' about him, know what I mean? Actually," Matthews continued, "I remember now - he took his shirt off and started asking the girls if they wanted to see his elephant impression. Yeah, if you ask me, I'd say he thinks he's a little bit special." Leamington plans to break this news to O'Hulahan when they meet tonight at Brannigans. "I think I'll do it early on," Leamington confides, "get it out of the way so we can both get on with our lives. Then I'll go up Orgasmics and get wankered." Buses "To Be Removed From Bus Routes" Both the customers of First Transport Bus Company were shocked and stunned at news that buses are being withdrawn from circulation, on the grounds that the drivers find them 'a bit of a hassle to get around in,' particularly in city centre traffic. Patrons of First Transport were unable to comment, having died long ago waiting for the #24 to Thorpe Marriott.
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